Fifty States Now Have Gay Marriage, Fifty GOP Candidates Now Have Temper Tantrums

Anthony_KennedyAfter a long and often emotional fight lasting decades, gay marriage is now legal in all fifty of the United States of America.

The decision was made by the US Supreme Court, which in a 5-4 vote declared unconstitutional the bans on same-sex marriage still existent in thirteen states. “Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions,” Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in reference to the gay and lesbian community in America. “They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”

The news prompted celebrations nationwide, as couples rushed to exercise their new rights in the states-Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas-which could no longer prevent them. Meanwhile crowds were swarming around the Supreme Court, cheering that “love has won.” President Barack Obama shared such sentiment, saying that “when all Americans are treated as equal, we are all more free,” and that “we have made our union a little more perfect.”

Unfortunately not everyone saw the ruling as a giant leap forward in civil rights. “By all means celebrate today’s decision,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote. “But do not celebrate the Constitution. It had nothing to do with it.” Also on the wrong side of history were the plethora of Republican presidential candidates, who have expressed a combination of bitter acceptance, calls for revolution, and even implying(presumably unknowingly) that straight people now have to marry people of the same sex. “No one wants to live in a country where the government coerces people to act in opposition to their conscience,” stated Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, while Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal said that “the government should not force those who have sincerely held religious beliefs about marriage to participate in these ceremonies.”

Someone should explain to these guys that allowing gay people to marry only affects, well, gay people who want to marry. So unless Walker and Jindal have been hiding in closets all these years(together or otherwise), life will go on today as it had yesterday, as it will tomorrow.

Except for one thing: America’s ‘perfect union’ will become a tad more fabulous.

Further reading:

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